Kazoo! (that’s hello in Alia)

While brainstorming ideas for a bio, I stumbled across an instruction document that details my entire life. How convenient!


How to Grow Your Own Alia Babinet

In order to create the proper environment for the start of this endeavor, a loving family must be established. Be sure to include Lisa (mom), Eric (dad), Jeremy (brother), and various other relatives and friends. Continue to provide sustenance for the first few years. It is likely that Alia will have excessive tantrums, while this may test your patience, it is to be expected. As Alia begins to develop more, it is necessary to create a space for storytelling and playing with stuffed animals and dolls (fig. 1).

Around this time, you may notice a beak begin to take shape (fig. 2), don’t worry, this is very characteristic of Alia. Although it will likely be reabsorbed until a much later time. It is now time to introduce a new environment to allow for the full potential of Alia. Relocate Alia to the Waldorf School of the Peninsula after 5 years. This will become a keystone environment for Alia. It is unlikely that Alia will possess similar characteristics to the final product at this time, but there is still a lot to go. After 3 years at Waldorf, it is time to expose Alia to another new environment, Camp Augusta! Only expose Alia to Augusta for a few days (family camp) the first two years (fig. 3), but continue to move Alia to Augusta during the summer for the next 10 years (fig, 4 and 5).

It is also important to keep Alia in the Waldorf environment, as she will absorb many things and be exposed to a variety of opportunities and situations. After the first 10 years at Waldorf kindergarten, elementary, and middle school, there will be a noticeable shift in both the appearance and underlying characteristics of Alia. That indicates that it is now time to introduce Alia to Waldorf High School. While this bears many similarities to the previous Waldorf environments, it will likely take some adjusting for Alia, including some drastic changes as she takes form. Most notably the re-appearance of a beak (fig. 6).

Don’t panic, this is very normal and characteristic of Alia. Additionally, a passion for discovery and learning, an interest in the guitar, a reawakened love of Harry Potter, lots of reading, a drastic increase in the amount of time spent building robotics (fig. 7), and exuberant laughter. Be sure to leave Alia in the Waldorf high school environment for no longer than four years. But before then, prepare properly for the following phases of development—spending a summer as a Junior Counselor for the first time, and then shipping her off to Carleton College in Minnesota.

Ta-da, you’ve now grown your own Alia, useful for consistent laughter, kazoo serenades, and cape cavorting. However, that is by no means the final stage of development. It’s really more of an ongoing process that you’ve gotten yourself into by undertaking this task. Maybe they should put that on the label.

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